We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
