he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
