My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
