if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
