I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I could fuck to npr.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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