If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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