dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
