everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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