sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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