This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
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