i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
