Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
