whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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