We won't sleep together?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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