HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
