Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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