Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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