i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
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I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
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I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize