I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
