I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Never let your siblings swipe right.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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