Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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