fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
