No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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