I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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