Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
