I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
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He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
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Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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