im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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