I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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