Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
