i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Sacagawea was the original milf.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Randomize
