I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
