I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
