This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
