I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
