She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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