respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
