I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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