dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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