A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
