I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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