I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just want to make out with him forever
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
