Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
