New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
