Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
