got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
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I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
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Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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