so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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