I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
