there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
