I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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