He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Life is so much better after having sex.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
