I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
