thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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