im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
