508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
