I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
