You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
