I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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