My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
