I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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