Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
