i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
