Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
