my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
