Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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