Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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